The Homestretch, and swimming.

I just deleted almost a page of what is quite possibly the worst thing I have written. It came off as contrived and forced, and as I read it back to myself, I had a vision of my future, and if what I had written was some kind of indicator, and I think a piece of me died. One must be careful of what one publishes. Proofread, proofread, proofread. 

Now that we're past that bit of unpleasantness, on with story.

Today is the first day in almost a decade that I've been wound free. 

I'm just going to let that sink in. I haven't been in a pool in a decade. I haven't been hot tubbing since the Motorola Razr was the coolest flip phone anyone had ever seen. 

I've actually forgotten what swimming feels like. But, I've bought a pair of fashionably black board shorts and am quite looking forward to the experience. Given the vast changes my body has gone through since my last time it was in anything larger than a bathtub, I feel like I get to re-experience something for the first time. How cool is that?

And now, I must muster the last reserves of my sanity focus to get through the next two weeks of physical therapy, and then watch out, for I will be in your midst again.

Boredom (de dum de dum)

It's hard to come up with content for this blog when I'm stuck in a hospital room 24/7. There are only so many pictures you can take of the same setting before you start to go slightly mad. This is the tough part of healing. For me, boredom is a surefire path to depression and self destruction and all that jazz. I have to focus on not losing my shit when I'm stuck in one bed for a couple of months. Though, this time around has been different. It's amazing on what having goals and things to look forward to can do for your psyche. When I get out of here, I can go fishing and for the first time, I won't have to worry about bandages getting wet or wounds getting infected. I can crash on some one's couch without worrying about my wounds staining it. I finally go swimming. I honestly don't remember what swimming feels like. 

I also really have to stay focused on my health when I get out of here. I have to do pressure reliefs every 15 minutes for the rest of my life, although this is a bit of a blessing in disguise for me, because it allowed me to buy a really nice outdoor watch on the auspices of it having a resettable timer. I'm such a good salesman. I can convince myself to buy anything.

If all goes well, I'll be back in my chair in my chair for the sitting protocol portion of my stay in 12 days. Then 14 days of sitting in my chair for 15 minutes at first, and increasing it a little each day until I'm back in fighting shape, as the phrase goes. And then, as long as I pay attention to my body and don't ignore the small indicators of my skin health, I should be able to avoid these damnable hospitals for a decade or 2. 

I keep dreaming about what swimming feels like. 

Musings On Life And Fear

Tomorrow I go in for what basically has to be the last flap surgery I ever get. If I screw up again, I could lose a leg. Or worse. And now, I can't screw up. I have so much I need to accomplish in this life. And no, I don't mean want. I mean need. I've finally put myself in a position to fulfill my wildest dreams, a position very few people get to, and even less seize and follow through with. I've had 10 years to put myself in this position, and the last thing I'm going to do is let all of this slip through my fingers. 

I hear from a lot of people that they go with the flow and it takes them where they need to be. And that is awesome for them, but I've found, in my life, especially since I've been a paraplegic, that I have to fight for every single atom of what I have, where I am, and most importantly, who I've become. And I'm damn proud of it. As the saying goes, you either make shit happen, watch shit happen, or wonder what the fuck happened. I think you know which one I want to be associated with. 

One common misconception people get about me is that I'm fearless. This is one thing I am not. I'm scared shitless about 50% of the time, and it comes in many forms. Sometimes It's the fear of becoming the person I was, sometimes it's fear of who I am now, sometimes it's fear of the future me, and sometimes it's fear from being at the top of some peak with a blind roll over in less than prime snow conditions. Right now it's the fear of dying on the operating table of some one in a million mistake. And I wouldn't have it any other way. For me fear is the greatest motivator. I channel my fear into determination and motivation. I love fear. I feed on it. 

So, for all of you out there who haven't done something (positive, I don't mean go out and try heroin because it scares you or something like that) because it scares you, I suggest giving whatever it is a shot. The worst thing that could happen is failure, and if that failure doesn't kill you, it will teach you something about yourself, and the more you can learn about yourself, the better prepared you'll be to deal with this whole life thing. So go scare yourselves shitless once in a while. I'll be there on the other side with a pint and a ride to the ER.