Musings On Life And Fear

Tomorrow I go in for what basically has to be the last flap surgery I ever get. If I screw up again, I could lose a leg. Or worse. And now, I can't screw up. I have so much I need to accomplish in this life. And no, I don't mean want. I mean need. I've finally put myself in a position to fulfill my wildest dreams, a position very few people get to, and even less seize and follow through with. I've had 10 years to put myself in this position, and the last thing I'm going to do is let all of this slip through my fingers. 

I hear from a lot of people that they go with the flow and it takes them where they need to be. And that is awesome for them, but I've found, in my life, especially since I've been a paraplegic, that I have to fight for every single atom of what I have, where I am, and most importantly, who I've become. And I'm damn proud of it. As the saying goes, you either make shit happen, watch shit happen, or wonder what the fuck happened. I think you know which one I want to be associated with. 

One common misconception people get about me is that I'm fearless. This is one thing I am not. I'm scared shitless about 50% of the time, and it comes in many forms. Sometimes It's the fear of becoming the person I was, sometimes it's fear of who I am now, sometimes it's fear of the future me, and sometimes it's fear from being at the top of some peak with a blind roll over in less than prime snow conditions. Right now it's the fear of dying on the operating table of some one in a million mistake. And I wouldn't have it any other way. For me fear is the greatest motivator. I channel my fear into determination and motivation. I love fear. I feed on it. 

So, for all of you out there who haven't done something (positive, I don't mean go out and try heroin because it scares you or something like that) because it scares you, I suggest giving whatever it is a shot. The worst thing that could happen is failure, and if that failure doesn't kill you, it will teach you something about yourself, and the more you can learn about yourself, the better prepared you'll be to deal with this whole life thing. So go scare yourselves shitless once in a while. I'll be there on the other side with a pint and a ride to the ER.